I have finally got round to starting this, after months of saying i was going to start i have! I wanted to start a blog, because my 2016 has been crazy. It has been my least favourite year so far, and i figured writing about it may help me deal with it. Plus writing will help me improve my writing, as its been years since i have written anything.

I look back at the last year, and i wondered where i have been. I haven’t felt like me. I look in the mirror and i don’t even see Kasie, i just see a pale shape who keeps changing its hair. I have been depressed, i have cried myself to sleep so many nights, some days i don’t eat others i have eaten too much. Nothing has been right and it all started with a kiss….

2015 New years eve- I celebrate alone with my (ex) Boyfriend. Together, alone in his house we snuggle watching Jools Holland on New years eve, enjoying the music and eating good food. What a prefect New Year. I am excited, 2016, i am attending London College of Music to study MA Musical Thearte, i had been working on getting on to a MA course for a while. I was working three jobs, i know crazy but it was to help me save. I knew by the summer, i would be cutting it down. I was so happy that night!

January- I was working my Theatre job, around 11pm i walk to the car park, i do this every night. Bristol City Centre doesn’t scare me. I find my car, the passenger window has been smashed in and some of my stuff has been stolen. I was so upset, my heart was racing, the feeling someone had broken and stolen something from me. I didn’t know these people, why me? I did nothing to them. They took a bag which had a jumper, half used make up, underwear and an empty bottle of perfume!!!

February- I am dumped. The boy i loved so much breaks my heart. When something really hurts me, i manage to block it out, like for a while i think and talk about it, but somehow i take myself out. Its hard to explain. Yes i cried for a long time and it hurt alot because i really loved him, but this blocking it out, is like a black out feeling, i have the same when my grandparents and niece passed away. Its hard to explain but i don’t want to write about what happened there.

March- Course gets cancelled for no reason. Its my birthday, lonely and depressing.

April- I plan to go to Sweden, night before i am taking off i discover my ex very quickly moved on to another girl. Broke my heart. Kasie choose to zone out of course.

May- I panic, my anxiety hits the fan. I am not Kasie at all, i don’t know the path i am taking and feeling low. I am lost, my confidence is gone. I decide to bring myself up and try to take a new path.

June- I move to London, i quit my jobs. I start work as an au pair and working in a London theatre.

July- I find out one of my friends lost her battle with cancer, at just 20 Lauren’s life is taken away from her. Her funeral was beautiful, i miss her so much.

I stop there, the worse thing that happened was losing Lauren, she was an amazing person.  Since Lauren passed away, my thoughts have been changing. I feel like shes telling me i have one life and i need to make the most of it.

And she is right.

I have found these last few months tough, i have gained weight, and my mental health has been like a bubble bee in a box- buzzing around. I have really hated myself, i wouldn’t let people see me,i haven’t bothered doing the things i love, but now it is time to start being happy again, to be Kasie.